


How Many Secrets Can One Young Man Hold

by turntochapter13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, College Student Jessica Moore, College Student Sam Winchester, Crying Sam Winchester, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, I'll add for tags as i go on cause Idk what I want to happen next, Jess's POV, Night Terrors, Nightmares, POV Third Person Limited, Sam's college era, Scars, Vague mentions of sex, crying Jessica Moore, picnics on the beach, presumed past cutting of wrists (you can interpret it however you like), this might end up just being 2 chapters it depends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-07 14:13:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13436478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turntochapter13/pseuds/turntochapter13
Summary: How did Jess feel about Sam? What did she think of all the scars that littered his body? What did she assume about Sam's childhood?





	1. They Met at a Frat Party

They met at a frat party. Not really Jess's scene. Sure, she liked hanging out with her friends and stuff but she didn't like that to be combined with the aroma of drunkenly induced puke and discarded vapes on the table while everyone screamed their lungs off to blasting music that no ones really knew but pretended to go along with. She had huddled into a corner after Brady had haphazardly regarded her before returning to a tipsy beer pong match. All she had to do was tolerate the scene for another half an hour before her roommate Alice would come to pick her up. Simple right. I guess not since some moron decides he should knock into her and almost make her fall straight on her ass. "Hey! Watch where you're going dude." She almost shouted unintentionally sounding a little too harsh. "Oh god I-I'm really sorry." The guy said as he was crouched on the ground picking up a book . "Crap." He whispered under his breath. Jessica was interested to see who this guy was, his shaggy hair positioned over his face to block her from viewing anything specifics. "What're you looking for?" She asked about to crouch down as well as he shot up instantly towering over her which was shocking for her surprising height for a woman. "Yah um... my book mark." He smiled awkwardly letting his deep dimples and bright whites shine through. "Probably shouldn't read and walk." He chuckled running a hand through his honey-nut brown hair in a way to distract from the obvious embarrassment he was feeling. "Yah obviously." She said jokingly feeling a little guilty when it looked like he didn't take it that way. "I was ju-" she began before he cut her off. "Anyway. Sorry. I-I should go" he was already turned around by the end of the sentence and heading down the hall.

 _Okay..._ she thought, wavering on what to do next. _I'm just going to stay right here and wait for Alice. She won't the that long...right? But at the same time..._ She couldn't get the boy out of her head. It was just something about him. It wasn't his looks. Even though he was beyond handsome with a chiseled jaw that was perfectly defined by his a little too long hair. His dimples could light up a room and his height was Big Foot level leaving him a massive giant which should be intimidating, but it wasn't. Maybe it was because he was so engulfed in a book that he was reading it as he walked or even the fact that he was reading at all since they were at a frat party after all. _Who reads when they're at a par-... oh wait..._ Maybe it was his eyes. Despite from the obviously beautiful combination of blue, green, and brown, there was something there. Was it pain? Loss? Anger? Maybe all of those things and more? She had no idea, but she wanted to figure out so off she went, searching. It took a few minutes before she found him sitting in a partially vacant room with his head in the book that he'd dropped earlier. He was completely focused on the pages as if he went in his own little world and left all of the noise from the house behind. She help back a giggle about to escape her lips as she watched him. It was so cute. She crossed her arms before leaning against the side of the entrance to the room he was occupying. A smirk crossed her face, "What'cha reading?" she asked with a confidence that surprised herself. He looked up at source of the voice quickly getting flushed when he realized who it was. "Oh umm..." he trailed off looking back down at his book. For a second she thought that he just ignored her but after a few seconds passed, he finally spoke. "The Enders Game"

"No freaking way." Jess exclaimed before practically running over and hopping on the couch with him and grabbing the book out of his hand. "This is one of my favorite books!"

"Yah same here." he said shyly. "I'm re-reading it since I don't have any unread books at the moment, but I plan on going on a haul soon when I get my paycheck from work."

"Where do you work?"

"The book store."

Jess couldn't help but laugh, "Well isn't that ironic"

"Yup" he said yet again running a hand through his hair. _Must be a nervous habit of his,_ Jess thought to herself. "I'm Jess." she stuck out her hand. He looked up and after a little too long, realized she wanted a hand shake. _God his hand is huge!_ "Sam." he said finally looking like he was at least a little more comfortable in his skin. "Tell me Sam what are you doing reading at party?"

"Well I could ask you the same thing." he said chuckling as he gestured to her book with a nod of his head.

"Well I was kind of dragged hear by my friend Brady but he just abandoned me and now he's absolutely hammered."

"Oh God I'm sorry."

"Well it's fine I guess he just needed a designated driv-"

"Yah exactly and that's why I turned it down when he invited me. But then I was scared he'd try to drive himself if I wasn't there so I came here to keep and eye on him. I had no idea he brought a date..."

"Woah, Woah, Woah. Me and Brody are anything but! We've just been friends since we were kids and we both got accepted into Stanford."

"Huh... I'm shocked he never mentioned you. We met on orientation day and since he's a year ahead of me, he kind of showed me the ropes."

"Then I'm surprised he never mentioned _you."_ she smiled as she saw his grin widen. Before she could ask him another question, her cellphone rang. Giving a quick glance she saw that it was Alice. "Well Mr.... Sam it was nice meeting you."

"Nice meeting you too." He flashed another bright smile.

"Hope to see you around."

"You too."

 

 

Jess hated to admit that she had become this girl. The one that obsessed over the mysterious boy that she met and wanted to see him again so bad, and while most of her trips to multiple books stores had been for the actual books, she couldn't deny that she was hoping that he was working at one of them. Finally, one time she was grabbing a new copy of _Fried Green Tomatoes At The Whistle Stop Cafe_ when she heard him. "Hey." She turned around a little too quick almost losing her footing as she spun scared by the sudden noise. "Oh my god. You scared the crap out of me!" he tried to hold back a laugh. "Sorry... I just saw you come in and I thought I'd say hey."

"Hey..." Now it was her turn to be awkward.

"How've you been?" She was about to answer him when he interrupted her at once. "Well it's not like you could've changed much. It's only been like two weeks or something. Not that I was counting its just-"

"I've been great." she interrupted his babbling. _Why is he so cute when he's nervous?_

"Yah... good. Me too." He said obviously embarrassed. "Welp" he started to back away. "I should... I should get back to work."

"Yah I guess." Jess replied plastering a fake smile over the disappointment. She didn't want him to go. "Wait." she said running up to him before he could run off, "Would you... want to hang out sometime?" her heart was thumping with the fear of rejection covered with a poker face of confidence.

"Hang out?" He stopped dead in his tracks turning to face her, brows furrowed.

"Yah... you know... like a date, or something." He ducked his head trying to hide his wide smile.

Jess wasn't sure if it was a sign of laughter cause she'd think that he would go out with her or happiness that she asked him out.

"You know what, it was a stupid question. Sorry I was just asking not thinking about it. I should really get going. I don't want to miss algebra so... yah. " She turned around quickly, trying not to run out the door.

"Wait!" She stopped as a hand caught hers in the haze of embarrassment. She didn't want to turn around and look at him, but she figured it be even more awkward than it already was if they just stood there holding hands and looking away from each in the middle of the isle.

It was a pleasant surprise when she turned around to see him smiling so soft it felt like all the tension within her melted away. "I'd love to."

 

 

They planned on meeting at the local pizzeria the following Tuesday and honestly Jess had never been more excited for a date. She had no idea why. Of course he was beautiful but Jess never really cared for appearances. It was always about personality for her, and his... she just couldn't get to. She understood to obvious stuff. For example, he was a bookworm which Jess genuinely appreciated. He was shy and sweet and not like a lot of other obnoxious young guys she had come across in her years within the dating scene and life in general basically, but other than that, he was a complete mystery. Maybe that's what attracted her to him. Jess decided to just go with a basic AC/DC t-shirt and a pair of light blue jeans since they were just going to a pizza place, but even with that she constantly took glances at the mirror to see if she looked dressed up enough or even dressed down enough. Finally she left, exchanging a brief goodbye with Alice before heading out the door and driving to Paul's Pizza. Sometimes she would just drive by to laugh the how generic the name seemed and now here she was, eating in it. She spotted Sam leaning against the concrete wall of the building waiting for her and gave a small honk of her horn to notify him that she was here then giving him a smile when he saw her before parking in the front of the restaurant.

"Hey!" she said walking up to him, keys in hand.

"Hey to you." he smiled wide, exposing those dimples yet again.

"So I see you have good taste in music." he said gesturing towards her shirt. "Huh?.... oh yah. My mom got me into it as a kid." she looked down at what he was wearing realizing he had the same idea of clothing choice as far as the t-shirt and jeans went, exposing his lean muscle perfectly formed around his arms. Sam finally cleared his throat after they stood there for what seemed like forever. "Anyway" he gestured towards the door with his long arms, "Ma lady?" Quickly getting into character by straightening up her posture and sticking out chest while she stuck her arms out as if she were holding trails of dress behind her, she walked forward and bowed before him. "Thank you kind sir." And walked through the door as he opened it for her. _So he can joke around too. I'm liking him even more..._

 

After ordering there food, they finally settled down into normal conversation, taking occasional sips from their drinks. At first they talked about school and Jess learned that Sam was majoring in law and she told him about her interest in cultural art. Jess was a freshman this year and Sam was a sophomore, but it was clear that even though Jess had just been going to Stanford for a year, that she was definitely more acquainted with fellow peers than Sam was. She had probably said hi to about ten friends as they waited for their food to come. Slowly but surely the school talk died out as Jess thought about what to talk about next. "So" she said sitting her cup down on one the disposable coasters, "What about your family? Do they live in Cali?" There was sudden change of manner in Sam's face as he stiffened up and looked down. "Uh... nah. I have a bother. His names Dean, and we were raised by our father, but they both live... in Kansas." She tried to ignore the worry creeping up inside of her. "So um... where's your mom? Are your parents separated?"

"No" he picked up his water and took a quick sip, his head still angled towards where his feet would be under the table top, "She died when I was a baby."

"Oh god." she discarded the instinct to keep her space as she reached for his hand and gave it a tight squeeze, Sam responding  by looking up at her. "I'm sorry Sam." He wasn't crying, but Jess could still the emotion in his eyes. _God his eyes..._ They made him so much more mysterious than he already seemed to be. It felt as though she was attempting to read book that was written in a different language. He cleared his throat, "Anyway, how about you?"

 


	2. They Moved In Together On a Little Apartment On Main St.

They moved in together in a little apartment on Main Street. Jess was practically giddy with joy even though she wouldn’t admit it to Sam. She lifted the last of the boxes out of the pickup truck that Brady had leant to them, hauling it into the compact living room where Sam was sitting with a tool kit in hand, trying to put his new desk together. He put down the container with a little too much force and took in a deep breath. "God. Times like this make me want to call Dean."

"Well then why don't you?" She knew she was treading in sensitive territory, but the sentence just seemed to slip out. She sat the box down at the queue of his silence and went to his side putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Sometimes I want to."

They have been going out for about ten months now and since things were getting serious, they decided to move in with each other, but still throughout all of the deep conversations they had, Sam never mentioned more than a few selective sentences about his family, and he was always vague about his childhood. She knew they moved around a lot and Sam had to transfer from school to school. She knew his mother died when he was six months old in his nursery of all places, but other than that, he kept his mouth shut, but it didn’t take long into the relationship to realize that he wasn't telling her some crucial information.

Sometimes when she stayed over, she would wake up in the middle of the night to muffled pleas.

"No… no daddy I'm s'ry." Sam would groan in the crisp night air, starting to sway from side to side, unintentionally bumping into Jess who was on the other side of the bed. Sometimes she would just go into the other room when the muffled notions would become to loud, but on one occasion she wanted to hear what he was saying. "De-an" he mewled out, with a pained manner on his face. "I'm s'ry. I'm sorry!" his voice began to grow but then tapered down again until it was nothing more than a whisper. "I'm sorry De…I'm so sorry. I'm a disappointment. I'm a disappointment. I'm a disappointment." the same words ran over his lips over and over again getting quieter with each repeat. His hands clasped his pillow, pulling it closer to him. "Shh…baby s'okay. It's okay babe." Jess said wrapping an arm around his torso and holding him closer. He responded immediately, clenching his teeth together and turn into her touch, wrapping her up in his arms and leaving his head in the crook of her neck. His fast breath dissipating. "I'm so sorry. S-so s'ry… s'ry" slowly but surely, he fell silent, Jess still wrapped in his arms. She could feel the tears seeping through her shirt where he was laying, and almost immediately she followed suit with her own, wishing to god almighty Sam would just open up to her. "I love you baby." she chocked out as she began to pet his hair. "I love you s-so much." she placed a kiss on his head before she too began to doze off.

After that, him and Jess starting staying over at each other's place more frequently, the nightly terrors become more constant. One night after they got done hanging out at the bar with some friends, they went back to her place, which luckily Alice wasn’t in at the time. It was around 3:00am when she woke up to him having the usually nightmare, whatever that nightmare was. Jess decided that she would just cover her ears until he settled down since she was too tired to deal with yet another emotional breakdown, but that didn't happen all. He starting mumbling under his breath like usual. This time it was about him mom. "Mommy. W-wh're are you." his voice just audible enough to be comprehended. Jess squeezed eyes shut as her heart clenched, nose flaring in an attempt to keep her composure. "M'my pl'se. I-I miss you." She took a few deep breathes. "No. No. Please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's all my fault! All my fault!" he began to scream louder and louder with every word until Jess's ears rang, but before she could finally interfere, he sprung up on the bed, breathing fast, and clutching for the sheets as he still mumbled incoherent words subconsciously without thought. Jess looked up at him with the blanket partially covering her face so he didn’t know she was awake. His eyes began to well with tears. He ran a hand over his face in an attempt to block out the emotion, which didn’t work. He settled back on the bed turning to Jess, who had closed her eyes now, with tears running down his face. He curled in a ball beside her, his hand reaching up to caress her face. "I love you." he whispered. It took all Jess had not to reply. Not to wrap her arms around and say its oaky, cause she knew how guarded he was about his past. She knew he didn't want her to know, so she wanted to give him that secret to keep, even though she had a good idea about how much trauma he must've gone through.

The nightmares weren't the only thing. Even though they were crucial to Jess's understanding of what Sam always wanted to hide from her. He never even mentioned anything about the nightmares, and she never asked… the same went for the scars.

She noticed them the first time they went swimming together. The beach was almost completely vacant which was extremely rare since this was Palo Alto, California after all, but they took the opportunity to their advantage. They made a nice picnic area where there would usually be kids running around and throwing sand at each other until one yelled uncle. The sun was out and shining just above and they stayed there relaxing for about an hour before the subject of getting into the water was even brought up. "So how about we get in." She said after caressing his cheek as a return for the kiss he just gave her. He gave a light smile. "I don’t know, I'm a little cold." He still had his shirt on while Jess had taken off hers, leaving only her bikini, a while ago. "Cold?" Some on Sam, it's ninety degrees out. How can you be cold?"

"Okay, okay... get in the water. I'll be there in a sec."

"Kay." She replied giving a smirk. She was excited to see what was under all those lairs he always wore.

She relaxed back in to the shallow water, almost laying down, letting the drift carry her as she waited for what seemed like forever. Two hands were suddenly covering her eyes and she let out an unintentional gasp.  A warm breath suddenly brushed against her skin. "Guess who?" She smiled, taking the hands in hers, way smaller in size. She wrapped them around her midsection before turning around to face Sam, being swept up in a warm embrace against his smooth skin. She gave him a peck on the lips before leaning into a little hug then letting go. "You know your hugs are best right?" His faced flushed as he looked down, "I've been told." She took this time to her advantage giving him once over. A little below his waist was where the water began for him, exposing the top of his swimming trousers and his bare torso and upper body. The v-line was strong, very strong. Jess tried not to gauge at the sight. His hip bones rose up until ending a little below his belly button. He had a firm set of muscled abs, his pecks matching with about the same amount of firmness, and everything just seemed to go with each other. His jawline, his eyes, the muscles... _everywhere_ , his hair, his smile, _god he's perfect... Except he isn't._ He looked back up and even though he was smiling, she still saw the hurt in his eyes. _He's far from perfect... but it isn't his fault. It's someone else's._ "Why've you been hiding this treasure from me Sammy?" She giggles as she looks him over. He let his cheeks grow red once more but doesn't look away. "Didn't know I was hiding anything special" he laughs as he says it, dimples growing deeper as he talks. She rolled her eyes. "Oh yah, real humble of you."

"You're the one that looks amazing." He expressed reaching out his hand and grabbing hers once more to pull her close to him. She couldn’t contain her smile once again and her teeth shined through as she walked towards him, but as she got closer to him, she tried to not scrunch he brows in concern. There were... scars. There was one stretching across the right side of his collar bone, and one that stretched across his torso. It was too light or see from afar, but now she could  make It out easily. Sure, she had seen a few of his scars here and there. There was one on his forehead, kind of Harry Potter style and few across his wrists... okay more than a few, but they were faded and hard to see unless you focused of them. She never asked about those ones, too afraid of what might come out of his mouth.

Later on, when they were getting out, she saw one on his lower back as well. This one darker and more noticeable, but a little hidden by his trunks. She didn’t ask him about any of the things she saw that day, nor did she ask about the ones she saw the first time they had sex.

It was probably the best she had ever had contradicting Sam's confessions of being a little unexperienced. She was still awake for about ten minutes after he had fallen asleep, just lying there, with her head on his bare chest, drawing little imaginary circles with her finger on his belly. She went to grab the blanket that had slipped off of Sam's lower half, exposing his very impressive length, when she noticed a large faded cut over the left side of his hipbone. She took a closer look, only to be met with more questions. _Now how the hell did you get this one?_ After a few cautious glances, she finally covered him back up moving to where she previously was, as she looked up at him, his features relaxed of any tension. That was the first night he slept without having a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I'll continue from here. I'm not sure what I could write about next. Feel free to comment some ideas. :)


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